A New High, of sorts

Today I went to the doctor for my annual checkup. It’s been a few years, and I was long overdue. My family doctor is wonderful, a very honest and kind lady. When she asked if I had any special concerns about my health today, I commented about my weight. I have really been struggling with it. She looked at me and she said “today is the highest we have ever seen you, and we need to do something about that”.

I have always been honest with her about my weigh concerns, (I have been struggling for a long time) but today was the first time she actually expressed a concern about my weight. And that’s really got me thinking. 

Although this week has been uncommonly good, in so far as me being focused on my goals and healthy eating, the discussion with my doctor has renewed my commitment to my health.

At this point, my weight has not affected my blood pressure, in fact it is low. (114/77). But I do notice other things, things that really bother me. Things like not being able to do everything I want to do in life, like running. Although I am definitely not the biggest person out there, I still feel like so many things would be easier in life if there were less of me. Like squeezing into a booth at a restaurant, or an airline seat.

This week I have said no to a lot of things, that I would normally be all over. Like cake , cookies, donuts and all the other crap that was in the office this week. At first it was hard to say no to it, but the more I say no, the easier it gets.

I struggle with the social aspects of being overweight. That is, not wanting to see people who last saw me at a smaller size. Although the people that matter, the people I love the most, will never judge me for my size. In fact I’m pretty sure that I am the hardest of anyone on myself. I need to learn how to be compassionate with myself.

There are those who will say that people like me, who struggle with our wait on a daily basis, simply need more willpower, or we are simply lazy. 

 It’s not a matter of willpower, I have that in spades. Food is a real addiction, one that is so hard to kick because it’s something you still need and you cannot give it up completely. Our relationship with food is something that is created moment we are born, and is a product of every thing that is happening in your lives up to this point. As for being lazy, those who know me, know that simply not true.

So tonight, is the point of this blog is to just put it out there, to be accountable, to put in writing the commitment that I am making to myself, here and now. From tonight onwards, I will think about the food that I put in my mouth. Is it worth eating? Does it nourish and bless my body? Is it really food or was it manufactured in a factory?

Note I found this in my draft list from October 2014. As I read through it, I realize that everything I said is still true. I am still struggling. But every day I make slightly better choices. I make a decision not to eat something that will not nourish me in anyway. I make a decision to have a healthy breakfast, or go for a longer walk. Every day and in every way I get a little bit stronger. So I’m not really sure why I didn’t post the six months ago when I originally posted, but I’m going to post it today. Because I believe being completely honest with myself, and my blog, as part of the healing journey that I am on.  


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